Terminal Curses

The body
Is absolutely
Opaque

Without depth
Always surface

It contents itself
With status

Nothing more
And nothing beyond.

A.Artaud

Radio silence

In the wan, lingering light of the winter afternoon, the parks stood all deserted, sluggishly drowsing, so it seemed, with their spacious distances muffled in greyness: colourless, fabulous, blurred.

This semester is beginning to get fairly complicated. Thankfully Palma, my Nord G2, and a few others are around to escape from this overwhelming mix of studying and pharmacy work.

Forgetfulness, it happens to us all.

Everything is rather quiet here, this is true. It won’t stay that way for long. Stay tuned.

Re/Act: Survival 2009

How many people are there who seek out art as a way of coming to terms with reality? Some have a greater need for overall life mimicry / integration, some deceiving others and pretending their past never occurred, others have a higher need for cognition / insight / validation, and so forth. I do not really see the point in wondering about this for too long, it is just a passing curiosity.

I’m not going to make any claims about having answers to the otherworldly horrifying nature of life over last few years. There are none, only constructive actions, and all of the love in the world will not change the fact that someone’s entire life can potentially be ruined in the blink of an eye. Just from my experiences in clinical rotations five years ago, it takes an extremely trained sense of awareness to know exactly what to do in the case of a critical medical / life situation.

People tend to die frequently, and it took a very long time to get over the fact that in hospitals staff are often the last step on the way out. Why anyone would want to spend their time one if not for work or if critically injured, is completely beyond me at this point in life. Still trying to make a career shift and leverage what insight I have for some other constructive purposes.

What the hell am I trying to convey here anyway? It’s that sometimes it’s necessary for art to address complete no-win situations, not merely paint a picture of normalcy for the sake of enabling the past to recur ad nauseam. We’re all clones, and the only things that seem to be memorable these days are from people who have the depth and insight to truly say something. With that said, the following books, films, and cd’s have been a huge personal influence throughout this entire year:

• The Perfect Crime by Jean Baudrillard: Picked this up earlier in the year and his writing completely struck me with the sheer weight of meaning behind the words. Explicating the impossibilities of reality and a cohesive social commentary with such literary grace that is nothing short of inspirational. I do not know who to thank, but my two favorite books are both under 220 pages.
• Xerrox 2 by Alva Noto: It’s 2009, and groundbreaking futuristic music should sound that way. At times noisy, distant, but also orchestral, moody, beautiful, and extremely fucking cool. It’s the soundtrack to the resetting of the world.
• Trilogie des Blutes + Nachblutung by Haus Arafna: Probably the best release I’d recommend to no one. According to Galakthorrö, this one artifact of mentally shattering sounds is adored by fans for it’s rugged charm. At the core, this stands up perfectly well as a successor to albums like SPK’s Leichenschrei. Albeit a less socio-political, and more personal one.
• Magic by November Növelet: Somewhat more whimsical than Blut, low-fi but always musical and full of depth and real human emotion. Mrs. Arafna’s vocals are chilling, in a good way, of course.
• Cocaine Nights by J.G. Ballard: A nice fairytale like narrative which the character in the central role eventually becomes just another victim of their own attachments, insecurities, and weaknesses.  Far from a simple morality tale in which the virtue of innocence proves that all is viable. If willing to argue, I’d spend hours convincing people that it’s quite the opposite.
• Stalker by Tarkovsky: There is nothing which can be said, it must be seen to be believed. It also makes a for a good sleep aid most nights.
• Soundtracks for the Blind by Swans: Recommended by Brandon, probably not the best thing to have on repeat during my 12 hour flight delay in Newark, NJ earlier this year. Moody and honest to no end.
• Principles of Neural Science by Kandel: I’ve spent so many hours with this 1,411 page tome over the last two years, that it’s starting to become somewhat enjoyable to re-read certain sections.
• The Atrocity Exhibition by J.G. Ballard: A schizoid treatise detailing the increasingly fractured life of a physician attempting to come to terms with reality through the violent deaths of public figures throughout the 20th Century. The literary style plays with the brain’s ability to keep a narrative moving in the face of complete disarray.

It’s a personal fascination to merely observe the multitude of possibilities in one situation. Is the person on this date telling me the truth? Are the lying or hiding something and attempting to manipulate? For a justifiable reason or not? Is the attachment to truth the main factor in why I don’t want to see this person ever again? It’s impossible to get to the heart of it all with most people.

Thankfully this year I have had the sheer random luck to spend time with highly intelligent, creative, and near completely unassuming friends. Holley and Will on NYE, which made waking up on New Year’s Day feel like being on another planet entirely. Per, Brandon, Micah, Dave, and Genevieve for hanging around during the noise night of Kinetik 2.0 and also exploring the Montreal Bicentennial exhibit, as well as some extremely insightful conversations about genetics and cognitive science over dinner. The UTD financial aid office staff for keeping me here when I was hours away from moving to Seattle and never returning back in August. Shiloh and Nick for the bizarre adventures during the summer, although I don’t plan on skipping through downtown Dallas to Nick’s place at 3am ever again. Lastly Palma for the constructive outlook, and the truffles of course.

With that said, I’m off to have my first normal winter break in over seven years. See everyone next year.

Transitional Area

“By contrast, Xero was a figure of galvanic energy and uncertainty. As he moved across the abandoned landscape near the overpass, the perspectives of the air seemed to invert behind him.  At times, when Xero approached the forlorn group sitting on the embankment, his shadows formed bizarre patterns on the concrete, transcripts of cryptic formulae and insoluble dreams. These ideograms, like the hieroglyphs of a race of blind seers, remained on the grey concrete after Xero had gone, the detritus of this terrifying psychic totem.”

Nothing planned for December other than to decompress and spend time with close friends. As for the present, three finals remain next week, wish me luck.

Glow worms

Just finalized my schedule for spring, for anyone who wonders what the hell I am up to:

Monday: 9:30 – General Chemistry 1, 2:00-9:00pm – work

Tuesday: 8:00 – Neurophysiology, 11:30 – Neuroplasticity in Neuropathology, 1:00 – Neuropharmacology, 5:30pm – Pre-calculus, 8:00pm – Study

Wednesday: 9:30 – General Chemistry 1, 2-9:00pm – work, studying, or music work

Thursday: 8:00 – Neurophysiology, 11:30 – Neuroplasticity in Neuropathology, 1:00 – Neuropharmacology, 5:30pm – Pre-calculus, 8:00pm – music work, relax

Friday: 9:30 – General Chemistry 1, 11:45 – Meetings, 2-9pm work

Saturday: Either work, studying, or music brainstorming.

Sunday: Same as saturday, but more likely to just be completely burnt out and exhausted if not working.

So there you have it, at this point, I’m just trying to finish my degree as quickly as possible.

Arrival

Will be updating the blog with notebook entries from the past four years. This process might take a few weeks.

To say that there have been a few tectonic shifts since 2006 is an understatement of epic proportions.